Did you know...

...that I'm so madly in love with you?

vindicated at 12:45:00 PM

Compared, AGAIN.

How I wish every comparison was a good one. Sadly, it isn't, or it brings no good memories to her.
Why do I have a feeling she's putting me in his shadow?
I hate this.
It makes me feel unappreciated for what I really am trying to do.
I'm not like him.
I don't want to be him nor do i try to be him.
I am R**. I love her truly.

Why can't she separate me from him/his memories/his shadow?
Doesn't she have a clue how much that hurts? Doesn't she?!?!?!?!
Doesn't she know how it feels to be seen as someone else? Even worse, someone whom she dislikes and wants to distance herself from?

Do I deserve to be treated this way? I don't think I do...I don't think I do.

I don't think I do.
But foolish as I am, I endure.

I love her too much to walk away. Besides, if I do, I just prove to her that I'm like that bast**d son of a b**ch.

F**k.



...just venting...i hope it's over now and i can calm down....wish bubu's right here.

vindicated at 5:13:00 PM

I hate the feeling of being powerless, of having no influence. I hate having to just sit back and wait.

I am a man of action,don't get me wrong I am not a control freak, but I prefer 'knowing', and being 'capable.'

I know it's not my fault.

I know and I feel that I am loved.

But even still her wounds, her previously broken heart still hinders the joy that can be. Sometimes, like in her case, some wounds just don't heal as fast as we want them to. Sometimes you just can't heal someone else's wounds. Why? I don't know. Maybe my love is not good enough, maybe my efforts are not good enough, maybe it's just not the right medicine. I don't know, I'm clueless, I'm powerless and it frustrates me.

It frustrates me that all I can do is watch my bubu as she struggles, this superman has become bound by green kryptonite.

How I wish this Kal-El had some red kryptonite right now...




No matter what you still have me here bubu. And I'll do whatever it takes to help you heal.

vindicated at 3:54:00 PM

I'm weak when it comes to dealing with my beloved when she is mad/not in the mood/pms-ing/or just simply "off". I panic, I scream a silent shout that echoes in my own head, I fail to function. It's wrong but I have yet to find a way to adapt.

Mababatukan nanaman ako ng bespren ko pihado.

I'm on the road doing what I do best to cope with this feeling...I drive. Not necesarily fast, I just drive. I've driven 200+ miles so far but I'm about ready to come home, I just need to eat.

I drove to places we have been to, I drove to santa barbara to get coffee and I drove up angeles crest to breathe.

I never thought I would be this crazy over someone, I never thought that having her in semi-silence would drive me nuts.

But thank God I know how to love truly. And truly, I love her.

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

vindicated at 7:34:00 PM

Answers.

I read a post and wondered, "What if someone asked me these exact same questions?"

How do you know if a person loves you?

-You don't know. Instead you feel, you sense.

Is it how much he tells you? Or how much he remembers to text you?

-Words, like emotions have soul, even the most beutiful words remain hollow without a soul implanted by its originator.

Why is it that we know God loves us?

- We don't know. We have faith.

But not know if a person really does?

- Like I said, we can't be definite and know. But it can be felt, it shows, it glows.

How do you tell a frantic heart to not worry?

- You don't. It keeps worrying as long as it keeps feeling.

How do you know when to face facts or just continue living a lie?

- Don't live a lie to begin with. If you already are, and are too weak to face the music, find someone who will slap you silly with love and compassion.

How do you know when you're being deceived or when you are not?

- Sometimes you just never do. You just keep praying and let Him lead you.

How do you know when to stop and let it all go?
How do you know when to keep fighting?

- You can either fight for as long and as hard as you can, or you can fight as long as you are not being greatly disrespected, degraded and humiliated. Picking how long to fight and hang on varies on each individual's personality, strengths and weaknesses.

Personally, i keep fighting even after i have lost. I keep fighting until i am satisfied and know that in the future i will have no regrets.

The next 2 questions were personally directed at someone and are hence left unanswered by myself...

Are these questions just here because you're not here beside me?

Will it be different if you were?


Other questions which were not asked but things i have thought about:

How do you know you really love someone? (from my old xanga)

- When a precious moment can be time spent together in silence.
- When you like the person not 'because of' all the good things you see but 'in spite' of' all the flaws.
- When you come second to the person you say you love.
- When all that matters is that he/she stays happy.
- When a simple smile and and his/her morning look/fresh-off-the-shower look takes your breath away.

How do you know you're over someone? (From an old retreat topic)

- When the hate & the pain have gone. When memories of him/her are just memories. When u can say you're happy for him/her and/or you have forgiven him/her. When you come across them you can genuinely say "Hi! How have you been?", and more importantly when you can sincerely respond, "I'm doing well."

Why me?

-Because you can.



...just my two cents worth.

vindicated at 9:03:00 AM

In a world obsessed in being the first i want to be the last.

I want to be the last. I want to be the least.

I want to be the least of your worries, the least expected to bring you pain.
I want to be the least of your concerns, i want you to feel at home and comfortable with me.
I want to be the last person you see before you sleep at night, the one who will tuck you in and lay by your side.
I want to be the last person whose voice you hear. "I love you, sleep well, sweet dreams my dear."
I want to be the last person you touch, the last sensation being my tender caress.


I want to be.... the last person to ever promise you forever. The last person to catch your falling heart and keep it from breaking apart.

So let me.

vindicated at 4:53:00 PM

Fears.
Changing, varying.
At least that's how it has been with me.

At 2 years old I was not afraid of the dark. At 6 years old I was.
At 7 Years old I feared spiders. At 10 years old I played with them, had pet spiders and had spider fights at school.
At 4 years old I had stage fright. At 10 I was the 'regular' host/master of ceremonies at any school event, a member of the debate team and a campus journalist.

My fears have always changed. All of them except for one, the fear of being left behind and forgotten by the ones I loved. The mere thought of my special someone leaving me drives me up the wall, a mere joke about leaving me changes my mood. In time i have learned how to face my fears. How to accept my fears, embrace them and deal with them. But the one thing I dread about this particular fear (being left behind) is that even after it happens, even after the event is dealt with, the pain lingers, the memories stay, it is something i don't have to see to freak out. It's not like a spider that once I'm far away it wont bug me. It not like the darkness that come daylight its grip loosens. Once you're left behind you're left behind. Only time can heal the effects of this fear becoming a reality.

Feeling this fear is bittersweet. The bitterness I already described, as for the sweetness...well, i know that this fear only magnifies because I hold someone dear. And to have someone I hold dear is something I don't come across often in my life.

Why I'm writing about this I'm not sure. A part of me is afraid, a part of me is grateful for feeling this fear again, and a huge part of me is so in love with that someone I have, of which I hope and pray I would never ever lose.

No, I can't let that happen, I WONT. She means the world to me. This is the last I write of this fear. Let this be my conviction: I'm not losing my bubu, our forever starts TODAY.

vindicated at 10:43:00 AM